Moments Suspended In Time
Friday, July 09, 2010
The Missing SmileIt's difficult to remain calm some days.
The medication is helping but it also numbs me, it's odd not feeling as deeply as I always have. I wonder if I have betrayed myself, taken away my personality and the elements that make me who I am.
But the damaging lows were more frequent than the soaring highs and that could never be sustainable.
I lost my job yesterday, unexpectedly and that was a blow to my ego. I guess there is never a good time to lose your job but this is a particuarly difficult month financially.
So right now I'm just swimming along through each day...existing. Apparently the fog will clear but all I want right now is to feel again...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
It's A Leap...It's a leap of faith to bring myself back to blogging...to not feel like I'm 'back' to where it all began because I have failed but to objectively view it as a path amongst many to be chosen from in life's journey.
But as it has always gone...I need to write...so I find myself back here where I always had the most release.
I've been away for two years...I wonder who is still around in this beautiful little community I loved?
More to follow as I need to write but for now...I'm glad to be back.
Friday, July 04, 2008
A Beautiful Thing...I am ending this blog here.
My life is just so full of beautiful things that I am so grateful for and it's time to put to rest the ghosts of the past.
When we write in this public forum we open ourselves up for criticism...we discover support in funny places...all of this for myself but overwhelmingly the opportunity to get all these feelings and emotions out.
In doing this I allowed myself to work through different stages of my life...through Q and the affair...through leaving H and us eventually realising that we married for completely the wrong reasons and it would have never worked...ups and downs with my business...surviving breast cancer.
I am just in such a different place in my life than I was three years ago when I started this blog...I am happy now...I feel fulfilled and I look forward to what the future brings with M and myself and our children...to us buying a house together and one day getting married barefoot on a beach somewhere.
I never knew it was possible to love someone like I do with him...such a passionate and fierce love where you can't imagine a life without them by your side...where the love you share with them is so grounded in reality that you simply know you will be with that person forever.
After so long of being lost...and feeling drowned by my lack of direction...of making decisions that, although they were right at the time and served a purpose, they were not how I was going to spend the rest of my life.
That is all over...I have reached that place in my life where the pieces of my particular puzzle have fallen into place and I couldn't be happier.
I have regrets and I have made mistakes but I choose to learn from them and not let them define me as a person.
H and I both had affairs, we talk about how we wish we had never married each other, how we shouldn't have bowed to the pressure from his family. Years on we can see there was never anything there, that marrying someone because you have a child together is never a recipe for success. Our conversations reveal how much we have learnt about ourselves as individuals from a failed marriage, with time we can see this more clearly.
M is my soulmate, I can not even fathom being with anyone else...what we share is just light years away from what my marriage was...what the affair was...what I had with either my husband or my lover.
I think I have just grown up all of a sudden...and the mistakes of my past enable me to see what I have now, for what it is.
And that is a beautiful thing.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Weekends for Girls and Boys...M has gone away for a boys weekend hours away on the border of another state...lots of drinking and paintball.
What does one do in the absence of both children and one beloved M?
Girls night at my new place of course!
As I write this I am finishing off the lasagne, the bottles of bubbles are chilling in the fridge and I'm off to the hairdresser to lose the blonde for winter.
This is going to be one hell of a night...Holiday Girl is coming...she has her first date tomorrow since she left her husband so we will spend the night being hopeless girls and going over every detail of it...lol.
As we do.
Tomorrow this shall be from the House of Fun...with hungover love :)
Monday, June 09, 2008
So Very Sated...
I walked into the living room, my dressing gown wrapped snugly around me...it's winter time here and the nights are c-o-l-d...
As I leaned over to give him a kiss goodnight I let my robe slip off my shoulders then quickly down away from my body...the look in his eyes made me instantly wet.
I stood in front of him...feeling so beautiful as his eyes danced over me and the smile crept over his lips.
MG: "Ooops...I think I dropped something"
I turned around bent over, giving him an uninterrupted view of my black and red French knickers as they kissed the cheeks of my arse.
We fucked well into the night...his hand left red welts on my arse as he spanked me...he filmed me with his phone as I spread my legs and begged for more...I heard him groan with pleasure as I came all over his cock then licked it clean...
That was Friday night...then it was repeated on Saturday and Sunday...public holiday here on Monday....
*happy sated sigh*
I LOVE this man...
Thursday, June 05, 2008
To The Moon And Back
I have finally taken the first step in dealing with so many of the ridiculous amount of things that have been crowding my world lately.
Yesterday I had my first appointment with the psychologist, there was too much said to really go into here except I am happy with how it went and I have started to make small changes already.
And that is promising.
T has been more settled lately, she is still having major problems at school and at her mother's house but we are working on that to the best we can.
I had School Girl Mermaid home from school today, caught the cold that is doing the rounds...I took the day off work and we spent some quality time together. I even did scrap booking with her, which I have always disliked. To my surprise it wasn't actually that bad...lol.
The cynic is silenced...
I am working on a picture wall of old black and white photographs of my grandparents, them as children and their wedding days etc. It is shaping up to be pretty beautiful, it's just a shame they won't see it.
The session with the psych has made me very reflective and a bit emotional, but I can already see good things and positive changes will come out of the next three months. I am receptive to change and I think that is the key to this succeeding.
Off to teach School Girl M about astronomy...sigh...I think I may be more of a hindrance than a help!
Monday, May 26, 2008
A New Life...
My baby girl turned six last weekend...*wry smile*....and I turned thirty the weekend before...*smile slips slightly*...time is galloping on at such a scary scary rate.
M's sister had a baby girl today...nine pound three ounces (ouch!)
There is a bit of a sorry story behind the closed doors on that particular household and as it goes, a few too many people have been drawn into it. Suffice to say, I have steered well clear of it, only expressed my opinion privately to M and there it remained.
M's sister, known as S has two children already, one at school, the other still a baby, barely one year old. Her husband is an alcoholic (a true alcoholic with an alcoholic father). She has left him/kicked him out on so very many occasions only to get back together with him.
He has no interest in another child, he was apparently furious when she told him she was pregnant again and has continued to drink throughout her pregnancy despite telling her he had stopped.
All that changed was he got better at lying and hiding his drinking. Now he has gotten to the stage where he simply doesn't care...he hasn't been home since Mothers Day, two weeks ago and when the youngest child was rushed to hospital on Saturday night with suspected croup...no-one could find him.
He still hasn't resurfaced...it was her Mum that held her hand as she gave birth this afternoon and welcomed her third child into the world.
I find that, quite simply, so sad...at a time where her and her husband should be celebrating the birth of their baby together, he will be in a drunken stupor somewhere.
The irony is, S was induced and she had her induction date booked in two weeks ago so he has no excuse for not showing.
I can't help but wonder if this is actually the end for them this time...could there possibly be any more reserve in her tank of forgiveness?
If so then she is a better person than me.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I Close My Eyes...
Tonight I am sad.
I am finally accepting the fact that my grandfather is dying.
Nearly two years ago he was diagnosed with cancer of the bladder. Then he had secondary cancer of the prostate.
Numerous surgeries...tumours...radiotherapy.
Three weeks ago he had surgery and now he has flown over here, to my country to see School Girl Mermaid and I. He can barely walk and will be back in hospital on Friday followed by another major operation in a few weeks.
I knew all of this yet until now I have pretended it wasn't happening. But this time I can see the change in him, I can see what my grandmother's life is like with him and it saddens me.
They have been married for fifty three years...he fought in World War Two...he is a father, a grandfather and a great grandfather. My daughter adores him and I have never known a life without him as a huge part of it.
Selfishly I have been willing him to stay alive...to keep fighting and survive another operation...yet another round of chemotherapy. Yet now I can see the pain he is in, how my grandmother's life is changed so much...the stress on her.
I don't see all of this on a daily basis because I am all the way over here and now I have seen it, seen him, seen them together, I understand more what it is like, what it has been like for her.
And my heart aches and there is a massive lump in my throat that just won't go away.
When I say goodbye to them on Wednesday that will possibly be the last time I will see my grandfather.
It's Sunday night and I am terrified already.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
T And The PsychologistTonight is T's first session with the child psychologist.
This is a bit of a big deal in that this isn't a country where children are in therapy at five etc...apart from myself and Holiday Girl sending our children to talk to a counseller post marriage break-up I don't actually know anyone else in this situation.
T's (ridiculously irritating) mother hit the roof when M told her about this. She takes everything so personally...we were only doing this to try and make her look bad as a parent...she has been waiting for three months to get a referral and we are just overiding her.
For god's sake...this actually isn't about her...it's about doing the best thing for T and if we are both working towards that common goal then does it really matter who booked the damn appointment.
Anyway...The Mother wants to be there tonight with her boyfriend (whom T has a terribly volatile relationship with) and as the psychologist wants to speak with M and I, they will have to come in too.
I. Don't. Like. This. Woman.
She is a major part of the problem and with her there, even though she won't be in there with T it is basically a death sentence for these sessions. T will not talk for the fear that her mother will find it all out and use it against her.
As history goes.
Repeatedly. It is her M.O.
But we can only try. The Mother has already been up at T's school complaining about me and my 'involvement in her daughter's life'. The principal phoned me and say from now on no-one at the school is permitted to discuss T with me and I will not be able to arrange meetings on behalf of M etc.
It didn't go down too well with me. I can understand them not discussing T on the phone with me, that is fine, I am not her parent but to ban me from even calling to arrange a meeting is just ridiculous.
M was cross as he doesn't have the flexibility in his schedule to be able to call during school hours and he relies on me to do this. To illustrate a point, the school asked me to pass on to him to call them at four thirty when he finished work and someone would be there to take his call until five thirty.
No-one answered.
The irritating thing is that the school has been having problems with T and her behaviour not only in class but towards other students and we needed further information about this before we went to the psychologist tonight.
Anyway...
My grandparents flew in this morning...I am WAY too excited...am sitting here waiting on their phone call now from the hotel.
*ridiculously big smile*
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Bits And PiecesWell things seemed to have calmed down a bit now...I had a bit of a let it all out episode on Friday night...cried so hard I couldn't breath then thought I was having a damn panic attack.
Urgh...
M just held my hand and rubbed my back until I stopped crying...I looked awful, swollen eyes and a rose that rivalled Rudolphs on Christmas Eve...lol. It's heaps better now though.
Friday was a public holiday here so we took the children out to the country for a picnic lunch with M's family and their children. It was so nice to see our children get along, things have been pretty strained between School Girl M and M's daughter lately. She is twice her age and has limited patience. Once you combine that with School Girl M's over sensitive nature it makes for a constantly unsettled household with way too much arguing and tears endlessly.
Sigh...
We have got a referral for M's daughter (T) to see a child psychologist as her school has just lost their funding for their school counseller. She has quite large issues, stemming from years of living with her mother who is basically quite indescribable in her inability to be a positive mother to T.
This woman has four children to three different people and we suspect she is pregnant again (it is difficult to tell because she is quite literally obese). The way she speaks to T is awful, constant telling an eleven year old to fuck off when she is asking for help is just cruel. T spends a lot of time crying after having to speak with her mother on the phone when she is with us (court ordered). Anyway...there is way too much to go into here, it makes my blood boil just thinking about it so I can't start.
T will start her sessions with the child psychologist as soon as possible, we are really at crisis point with her, she is just so rude, flies off the handle at absolutely nothing...we can't predict what will make her flip out as it changes from one day to the next and so much of her anger seems to be taken out on School Girl M. It breaks my heart to see my baby cry every day.
Some days I question if I am doing the right think in staying in a relationship with M when this is what my daughter is being treated like in her own home, but something deep inside me believes in T.
I can't write her off, everyone else has more or less given up on her and I truly believe that she is a good kid underneath all this anger, she has just never had a chance at life with her family situation (M fought for custody in court and they sent her to her mother because she has siblings there). Her mother wants her for the child support she receives from M...nothing else, because it doesn't get spent on T and frequently she drops T off on the doorstep on M's sister and tells her to "cope with the fucking little bitch".
*deep breath*
T will be twelve in six months time and then the courts will listen to what she has to say and where she wants to go. The decision will not be solely hers but what she wants will definately be taken into consideration.
So back to the present...I am also arranging for School Girl M to see a school counseller when her school gets one next term, I think it won't do her any harm. She certainly has the ability to articulate exactly how she is feeling so it will probably be of benefit to her.
For some happy news, my grandparents are coming for a visit in ten days time. They didn't tell me until a couple of weeks ago as my grandfather had yet another operation for the cancer and they needed to wait and see how he pulled up from that. He is a stubborn man though...as the Irish are.
The day after they go home we are all jumping on a plane and heading up to the Land of Holidays for a long weekend with the children, for my birthday, then when we come back it will be School Girl M's sixth birthday so parties and presents all round.
Lots of things to look forward too :)
Friday, April 18, 2008
Holiday Girl - Part TwoAnd as if this week hasn't been emotionally draining enough, yesterday I got a phone call from Holiday Girl's mother.
When I heard her voice (she has never called me before) I was all happy, I wanted make sure she was ok and was coping with the upheaval of this week.
When I asked her how she was this was her reply:
(This is a fifty something year old mother and grandparent, a professional in her field)
"You will shut up and listen to me"
I was so surprised I did this that...in retrospect I wish I had ended the phone call then and there.
There is too much to write but the basic gist of it was this...
- She doesn't like me and never has. She has tried to find good points about me but has failed, only because there are simply none to find.
- I have 'won'...I have convinced HG to leave her husband, I am responsible for breaking up their marriage because I want HG all to myself.
- One day HG will 'wake up' to me and realise what a manipulative person I really am then she will leave me and I will die a lonely friendless person.
- How the only person she feels sorry for in all of this is School Girl Mermaid...that 'she only hopes against the odds she will make something of herself...that she should be living with her father to have any chance at life"
I stood there and listened to all of this...too numb with absolute disbelief to even hang up then after she slammed the phone down in my ear I just crumbled onto the floor and sobbed.
I have never been spoken to like that before, let alone by a person whom I thought I had a good relationship based on mutual respect. How could I not have known she hated me? I have stayed up at her house in the country many times, of which she referred to; I NEVER would have gone there if I had known she didn't like. How humiliating.
HG chose that moment to call, I was crying so hard I couldn't even talk, just the sheer shock of it, so unexpected. She knew instantly what was wrong, apparently she had just had a massive fight with her mother in the solicitors office when her mother tried to get her to sign over permanent custody of her son to the violent ex-husband....then her mother turned on her own best friend who was there to support her and HG...then she yelled at HG's Aunty and the solicitor(!) before walking over the road to her solicitors and signing over her house to her ex-husband (a battle they have been fighting for four years since he left her).
I didn't feel quite so bad after that but her comments still cut deep...particularly what she said about my parenting...that was just vicious. No matter how much she was hurting over what is happening to HG...if playing the blame game is how she copes there was NO need to say what she did about my child and my parenting skills. That was one of the meanest things she could have ever chosen to say.
When I lie in bed at night I can hear her voice playing over and over in my head...saying those awful hurtful things...and I just want it to stop.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Holiday GirlMy head is spinning and there seems to be too many thoughts in there to even begin to get them out coherently.
How can I explain the feeling of watching your best friend lie on the floor of a hospital screaming and claw at her wrists until she draws blood?
How I had to choke back my tears and help the nurse hold her down to be sedated, then try and be calm and collected when I spoke to what seemed like the hundredth psychologist that week.
What it's like to have your friend turn up on your doorstep at one am, having just run away from the hospital when they were doing her psych assessment. She drove forty five minutes to my house, down a freeway after having two sleeping pills and two valium. I have no understanding how she didn't kill herself or someone else on the road.
Holiday Girl's marriage is over, the house is sold and she has moved into her new place, then she found out her ex-husband is dating someone (three days after they finally decide to separate), then (as they have no legal custody agreement in place), he took their son and run away to the country with him. And that was the beginning of the end for her.
I took her back to hospital in the morning after she physically attacked me, after she screamed so loudly I had my neighbour phone to ask if everything was alright, after I saw the look of fear on School Girl Mermaid's face.
I sat next to her hospital bed for seven hours on Tuesday until her family arrived from the country to come and get her. When I had to get up to go to the toilet they had security guards watch her.
I can't articulate the gut wreching sorrow I felt, the pure pain and anguish in her eyes...she just kept screaming for me to let her die. She kept trying to get up and run away again, people in that state have so much strength when they are angry.
I felt like I was losing my best friend.
I have never seen anyone have a breakdown like that before...it was terrifying, the overwhelming sense of helplessness. I have the greatest respect for the people who do this for a job, the nurses and care workers, their strength and compassion is surreal.
I knew this was coming but I had no idea it woud be this huge...and all I keep thinking is what could I have done to prevent this? I had arranged for her Mum to come and stay for the first week in her new house and to help with her son, I called twice a day and made sure she had friends come over every night of the weekend so she wasn't alone, she she knew how much we care about her.
Then in the middle of the night, when we couldn't protect her from her thoughts and her endless need to overanalyse was when it overwhelmed her.
I should have been there.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
HNT - The New Series
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Spank Me Please...It's a lazy and very hot Sunday afternoon here...the leaves are just beginning to change and the suffocating wind is pulling the first of them off the tree branches to scatter around like confetti.
We have no children this weekend...they are off at their respective other parents for custody time. We started with a long breakfast in a favourite haunt that Holiday Girl and I frequent then came home to fuck.
He was sitting at the computer finishing work as I slid my legs across him and moved my body slowly down until I was sitting on his lap, my legs wrapped around his and my breath hot on his face.
He slid his hands slowly up my dress as I pressed my lips against his...gently at first then building feverishly as his hands explored my body...dancing over my bare skin until goosebumps appeared on my arms and a sigh escaped from my throat.
He stood up, lifting me...and as I clung to him my dress fell to the ground, caressing my legs and kissing my toes on it's way down to the floor.
The ceiling fan was relentless, blowing steamy air into my face as I lay on my back waiting for him...then I grew impatient and as he was discarding his clothes, I got down on my knees and slid his throbbing cock into my warm mouth.
He groaned and grabbed my head...I smiled with pleasure.
There is nothing like being wanted...
I wanted to taste him for longer but it was his turn now for impatience...in one movement he had me on the bed and underneath him as he slid his cock deep inside me.
We fucked for what seemed like hours, neither of us wanted it to end but we had places to be and people expecting us...so I turned over and got on my knees.
He ran his hands over my bare arse...danced his fingers down my spine as I shivered in delicious anticipation...then as he fucked me harder and fucked me faster, he spanked my arse until I came and cried his name.
And that is my perfect Sunday afternoon...
Thursday, March 13, 2008
School Girl Mermaid...
I wanted to write about my daughter today, she has been on my mind a lot lately.
I have been parent helping at her school, doing reading and writing once a week and it has been a real eye opener to me.
My daughter is so smart.
And yes I am aware that every parent thinks their little darling has all the pieces of lifes puzzle in place at five, but I really have my suspicions that School Girl Mermaid may just be on the home straight with that one.
She writes stories that are years above her grade....she is currently reading at a level three grades above hers and whilst the rest of her class is on readers, she has graduated to chapter books that are around sixty five pages long.
She is five still.
I marvel at this phenomenon that is my child.
I read to her from the day I found out I was pregnant...lots of Dr Seuss in utero...lol. I'm not a massive fan anymore...years of Green Eggs And Ham will break the strongest resolve.
Next term at school she starts spelling, I did a literacy course at her school last week and tested her on the weekend, she can already spell the two hundred words required for the next two years.
Yes well.
Although I love it that she is so smart and so eager to learn, I am finding that with this comes a slight contempt of other children her age. I really don't like the attitude she is displaying, it is very distasteful of a child her age and not one she will make friends with.
In saying that, for the better part she is a very sweet child, but I see traits of her father in her more and more at the moment - the shortness with people, irritation when they don't understand things as quickly as she does, she can be very sharp in how she responds to other children and this quite often cuts them. At this age they are all a bit on the sensitive side.
I'm not really sure how to deal with this one, especially because on the other side of the equation she can be very over sensitive and cries often when other children annoy her. It can be quite draining and at times I feel like I am constantly either reassuring or reprimanding and it's slightly hypocritical because what makes her cry is the behaviour that she inflicts on other children.
Sigh...
It doesn't help that her father and I have been arguing again, we have had a really good run for five months now and it blew up again last week and ended with him threatening to snatch School Girl M. I had to take her out of school for the better part of the week, that was exhausting for all of us.
On a positive note, M's house sold after only a few days on the market and it settles tomorrow so we will start looking for a house to rent together now. It's exciting times :)
Friday, March 07, 2008
HNT
Last one in this series...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
HNT
I am officially divorced now...and what a journey it has been...
Happy HNT everyone :)
Thursday, February 14, 2008
HNT
Happy Valentines Day 2008....
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sated...
We went camping for the long weekend...real camping in the bush with no running water and no electricity.
And in the afternoon we crept away from everyone else and made hot and intense love in the privacy of our tent.
It was the kind of sex that saps your body and your mind...that as you're caught up in the middle of it all you are living and breathing every moment in its definitive entirety.
I could hear every breath he took...feel every movement of his body under mine and right then and there, we were the only two people in the world...nothing else existed.
And as I collapsed on top of him...sated beyond description...we lay there and looked at each other and I could see in his eyes what was reflected in my heart and I knew...that this is forever.
And in the afternoon we crept away from everyone else and made hot and intense love in the privacy of our tent.
It was the kind of sex that saps your body and your mind...that as you're caught up in the middle of it all you are living and breathing every moment in its definitive entirety.
I could hear every breath he took...feel every movement of his body under mine and right then and there, we were the only two people in the world...nothing else existed.
And as I collapsed on top of him...sated beyond description...we lay there and looked at each other and I could see in his eyes what was reflected in my heart and I knew...that this is forever.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Mermaids...
Well I'm back from holidays and straight back into work...I actually missed working, I am so lucky to love my job :)
I was amazed at how much I missed M whilst I was gone...we have talked about marriage...about eloping once both of our divorces come through...I want to get married on a beach somewhere...he wants to get married in Vegas...LOL.
I think blogging may just be winding down for me...I am just so happy now and I am finding now I am am happy I have less and less to write about. Which reiterates what I have always upheld, being that blogging was always meant to be a cathartic release for me...now I have nothing left to be sad about...to be confused or hurt by...no anger remains.
I could write post after post on how happy I am...how much I love M...but I simply don't feel the need...perhaps this is where I call it a day...
It's been just over two and a half years now and so very much has happened and being able to write has enabled me to work through so much of it...enabled me to simply cope...sometimes if only day by day.
In this time frame I have lived through an affair...a marriage break-up...custody battles and court...I have lost everything financially...seen what I believe to be the worst in people I have loved...made amazing new friends both in blogland and in real life...survived cancer...and finally I have met and fallen in love with the man who I will spend the rest of my life with.
I am so happy...
Winding down but not signing off just yet...
Friday, January 04, 2008
The Land of HolidaysAs I sit here and write this I can smell the bread baking and the fresh pot of tea brewing, there are palm trees swaying out the window and I'm wearing boardies and a singlet top....there is sand between my toes (perpetually for the past ten days!) and I am unwinding and r-e-l-a-x-i-n-g...yes it is possible...lol.
Who would have thought...I am actually capable of relaxing.
M flew up for a couple of days over New Years...we missed each other (insert ridiculous swoon followed by happy sigh)...it was unbelievably great to see him, I didn't realise how much I had missed him until he walked through the arrival gates at the airport :)
I am so in love with this guy...crazily and massively and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
*smiles in slight disbelief*
Signing off from the Land of Holidays...
Kisses
MG
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry ChristmasTo borrow a line from a song...
"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go"
School Girl Mermaid and I are leaving now for the airport for fifteen days in the Land of Holidays. We will land in time for Christmas Dinner with my fabulous Uncle.
As I just wrote in an email to a friend, I am all emotional already about seeing him, about spending Christmas with family. It has been six months and with everything that has happened I just want the comfort of my family right now.
Merry Christmas to you all in blogland and safe holidays where ever you are in the world, mine will be sun and surf, beach and a serious amount of shopping at factory outlet stores - love it!
Holiday Girl will be there in time for New Years, fireworks on the beach, boardies, bikini's and barbeques...I love summer :)
Stay safe everyone and remember to be kind to yourselves and to cherish your families - no matter how difficult they are!
Love
MG
Monday, December 17, 2007
I Found This On Facebook...Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisss your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, " ...that's her."
Friday, December 14, 2007
Nothing Really...For those of you who have been reading for the past two and half years...
Q's real name is Sean.
He always wanted to be a Q...
I think he will be a Dad again by now...child number four to person number three.
Thank god that wasn't me.
I am so glad he is out of my life...it is taking a while to stop thinking about him, but I am in such a good place with M...so grounded, so real and the intimacy..both physical and emotional is manically intense.
Just the way I like it.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The Morning After The Night Before...
Last night was one of those ooops kind of nights...and boy am I paying the price for it today.
It started with a couple of drinks in the office with K (M's Dad who I work with) then K and I went out to dinner - not unusual, we do every fortnight or so. A couple more drinks with dinner then back to his place with some work colleagues etc for some truly fabulous red wine.
M turned up and took me home...only to look after me whilst I proceeded to THROW UP for the next two hours.
Spectacular.
Red wine seriously does not look to good coming back up.
Goddamn embarrassing.
I have not thrown up from drinking in years and today my once a year hangover has struck with a vengeance. I feel seedy...I look wrecked and work has really been a bit of a blur...lol.
Serves me right!
What kind of guy, who after dating you for only a month, would hold your hair back whilst you were sick, clean up your mess and tuck you into bed, all when it was self inflicted?
My most beautiful M-Boy...
I'm still kind of embarrassed though...lol.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Innocence
Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
This innocence is brilliance
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don't go away
Cus I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
Innocence
Avril Lavigne
I was sitting on his knee surfing iTunes when this came on...I want this feeling to last forever...goddamn I do.
I believe in true love...I believe in simply knowing when you meet 'that' person...and I believe in fate.
And I embrace it all...deliciously so.
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
This innocence is brilliance
I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect
Please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Makes you wanna cry
This innocence is brilliance
Please don't go away
Cus I need you now
And I'll hold on to it
Don't you let it pass you by
Innocence
Avril Lavigne
I was sitting on his knee surfing iTunes when this came on...I want this feeling to last forever...goddamn I do.
I believe in true love...I believe in simply knowing when you meet 'that' person...and I believe in fate.
And I embrace it all...deliciously so.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
What Love Is...
We were sitting in a bakery having lunch...
MG: "You have made me believe again...in life and love....in living and loving. You make me believe in a future that is so different from what I had imagined it would be...and I am so happy"
Head over heels...my world is spinning around and I can't catch my breath and I don't want to....
This must be what love is.
Friday, November 30, 2007
InsatiableWhen moonlight crawls along the street
Chasing away the summer heat
Footsteps outside somewhere below
The world revolves I let it go
We build our church above this street
We practice love between these sheets
The candy sweetness scent of you
It bathes my skin I'm stained by you
And all I have to do is hold you
There's a racing in my heart
I am barely touching you
Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable
The moonlight plays upon your skin
A kiss that lingers takes me in
I fall asleep inside of you
There are no words
There's only truth
Breathe in Breathe out
There is no sound
We move together up and down
We levitate our bodies soar
Our feet don't even touch the floor
And nobody knows you like I do
The world doesn't understand
But I grow stronger in your hands
We never sleep we're always holdin' hands
Kissin' for hours talkin' makin' plans
I feel like a better man
Just being in the same room
We never sleep there's just so much to do
Too much to say
Can't close my eyes when I'm with you
Insatiable the way I'm loving you
Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable
Insatiable
Darren Hayes
Oh my god...yes.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Such A Wicked Thing To Do...To Make Me Dream Of You...
Bits and pieces and odds and ends...
As I write this I am alone in his house...he has gone to work and I am wrapping up my work on his computer before I start my day out of the office.
We both had yesterday afternoon off...and spent it in bed...
It was a delicious tangle of limbs and hot slippery bodies on a warm early summer's afternoon.
Then later as the temperature dropped and an evening of drinking drew to a close we fucked. Intensely. As always, it blew my mind.
And afterwards as I lay in his arms and absorbed the comfort of his body holding mine, he laced his fingers through mine as he said...
M: "I have only ever told two people in my whole life that I love them...and I have only meant it once"
I raised my eyes up to look at him...promptly forgot how to breath and just lived the intensity of that defining moment.
We are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate a huge work milestone for me, I have achieved a goal that I have worked three years towards, which is fabulously exciting.
And because I am such a gun now at finding cut price airfares, last week I booked nineteen dollar flights to the Land of Holidays for Holiday Girl and myself (of course!) How a shopaholic loves a genuine bargain...lol.
Life is ticking along and ticking along very nicely.
It's all working out and this sense of calmness I am encapsulating myself in is proving to be very soothing in all aspects of my life.
Maybe I can be less intense...less stressful and less analytical...
Well....perhaps.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Amazing Life...
I am going crazy...this is like nothing I have ever experienced before.
I question it relentlessly as does he...yet we both keep drawing the same conclusion, it's crazy...it's all happening so fast but it feels just so damn right.
I can not adequately convey the depth of the connection we have...it supersedes anything I have ever experienced with another person before.
We were sitting in a restaurant last night, it was his brother's birthday dinner and we were waiting for everyone else to arrive when I leaned over to him and whispered in his ear...
MG: "There is something I want to tell you, it's ridiculously too early on in the scheme of everything but I just have to say it"
M: (takes my face in his hands) "I know...I feel the same way"
MG: "I falling in love with you (M)"
He smiled at me...and just then everyone turned up so we didn't get a chance to talk.
Much later on in the night, we were in bed and he held me, he told me he loves me...how he is scared of this but is loving it...how it just feels so damn right.
My life is amazing.
In the past two months I have survived cancer and now I am actually believing (oh deeply cynical me) that this guy might actually be the one.
The one I have been waiting for my entire life...maybe this is what everyone else has...how other people feel in relationships...those rock solid kind of marriages/relationships etc that you admire from afar and wonder how on earth they do it.
What we share...that connection...sets this just so far apart from any other relationship I have had.
But I am a sceptic! I question this endlessly looking for flaws in the blueprint...it can't possibly be this easy...you don't just meet someone and fall in love with them after eleven or so days - not possible! If this was one of my friends I would be telling them to get a grip...that's it's still in that helpless infatuation stage and it couldn't possibly be love.
Or perhaps this is...and I just know...eleven days...eleven months...eleven years...it doesn't matter because from that very first date I knew that this was something different.
And my god it is...
Monday, November 19, 2007
To Simply Be...
The sex is breath taking...when I come it is dizzying and I can feel every part of my body pause and arch up towards him trying to capture the intensity of that singular moment.
The weekend was a blur of moments...the coolness of his sheets under my bare skin..the press of his lips against mine as he slid inside me...the intensity of his stare...the roughness of his unshaven face as I caressed it with my hands.
We stare at each other a lot...a lot.
We talk without saying anything...sometimes when I look at him I quite literally forget to breath.
I trace the outline of his lips with my fingertip and feel the shiver dance through me as he undresses me with his eyes. He has fuck me eyes...
I love how he makes me feel....I love how he feels inside me...I love waking up next to him...I love going to sleep lying in his arms.
My legs wrapped around his waist...his mouth pressed feverishly against mine...I could smell us, like a room smells after sex...and I instantly craved him.
When I am with him I feel so alive...I feel like I have waited so long for someone like him...when I told him how I feel, I termed it exhilarating terrifying.
And that it is.
I am finding myself ridiculously inarticulate at the moments. I phone Holiday Girl and I make a pitiful attempt at expressing how I am feeling with him...Fabulous Friend makes lots of encouraging murmuring sounds but I can tell she is a bit taken back by my stammering and resorting to happy sighs when I give up trying to explain exactly why this is so great.
And perhaps this is where the true beauty in all of this lies...to merely experience it..to just be...that is enough.
I'm going to be lame right now...just because this is my blog and I can.
I'm falling for M...very hard and very fast and I am loving every crazy minute of it.
I spent the entire weekend at his house, met his daughter (she is eleven, he has partial custody of her) and on Sunday we went to (an early) family Christmas lunch where I got to meet his entire family plus extended family. I was so nervous! It went fine though...
I opened my eyes this morning to find him lying there smiling at me...I woke up to his smile and a "good morning beautiful".
*more swooning*
This is a seriously lame post...and I'm loving it...lol
Back to the specialist on Wednesday, hopefully this will be the last visit for a while. I still have a lot of blood build-up on one side but they may just be happy to let that be - fingers crossed for no more needles.
Goddamn life is good right now...so very very good :)
Friday, November 16, 2007
Dear Diary...
So I feel like I'm fifteen all over again and am writing a Dear Diary entry...
*swoon*
God this is going so well, I am in a slight state of disbelief actually.
We have caught up a couple more times this week, he stayed again last night and the sex was amazing...
*happy sigh*
We both had the afternoon off today so we went for a walk...it's summer...it was deliciously warm, the trees were all dappled and pretty (I love trees) and it was just comfortable.
It's been one week and I can honestly say, this is different from anything else that has happened to me lately. He is just so mellow and that is so nice.
I keep thinking that is is slightly ridiculous to think like this after only one week, but all things have to begin somewhere and perhaps this is actually where it starts for me.
I am happy...very happy :)
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Holding A Piece Of Time
There is a new guy featuring in my life.
*gasp*
And it has been the longest time since I have said that and felt actual butterflies in my stomach.
After a rash of really strange guys running through my life, and believe me when I saw they have been weird...it got to the point where my friends and I had resigned myself to the fact that I was just attracting idiots...along came M.
M is the son of a colleague (K) who I have worked with for six or so years and who, ironically enough, I am actually quite good friends with and socialise outside of work with on a regular basis- yet I had never met his son before last week.
M and I went out to dinner on Monday night, then saw each other again on Tuesday when he ended up staying the night at my place (School Girl M was with H) and we didn't sleep all night.
Insanely fun...
He is very placid, doesn't talk much...quite the opposite from me as I tend to talk fast and intensely when I am passionate about something. There is just something about this guy...he seems to be so normal, call me pessimistic but I keep waiting for the catch (!)
Could this be the start of something? I hope so...I really do :)
And for those who asked...Cafe Boy turned out to be just a bit too strange for me to cope with...he is on mood stabilisers for Bi Polar disorder, he tends to be quite hung up about money, is unhappy with his job yet is content to merely complain about it instead of being proactive and changing careers (easily done in his line of work).
This may sound quite judgmental but I struggle to have respect for someone who at forty years old owns nothing, has no money, is unhappy with where they are at with their lives yet prefers wallowing in apathy to actually making any changes.
And he wanted a full blown instantaneous relationship with me.
Enough said.
Holiday Girl's lumps turned out to be nothing dangerous so we are all very relieved, it was a long few days for her.
I was idly wondering if Q ever reads this blog...if curiousity or perhaps spiteful interest would draw him back here. When everything happened with his pregnant PA etc I took the site meter off my blog so I wouldn't know if he was reading or not...I didn't want to know.
If I was to be honest my guess would be that he doesn't read, he compartmentalises with the best of them, I believe in his mind I simply don't exist to him anymore. It is sad, after all we went through. I find it slightly heartbreaking still that as close as we were, when I was diagnosed with cancer he never came to see me and after the surgery...well...I guess he would have heard around through mutual acquaintances that I was ok, but I would be lying if I said his complete removal from it all didn't sting just the littlest bit.
I guess that is where him and I are different people though, I believe things like this supersede all else, that life is more precious than any emotional bullshit that we concoct through our own making.
When things were at the worst with H, when we were going through court and his parent's were busy hammering on my front door and leaving me intimidating voicemail messages...my father-in-law's sister died after a long and painful battle with ovarian cancer. The first thing I did was send send flowers and pick up the phone...often what is happening in our lives...what we can't control...it tends to just steamroll on ahead regardless if we can stop be stubborn enough to do what is right or not.
I am seeing M again on the weekend, all going well...I have a good feeling about this guy.
He held my hand and looked me in the eye whilst I talked to him and he opened the car door for me - little things like that go a very long way in my book. We have different lives, his family is quite abrasive and rough round the edges and I don't know if I could tolerate that mentality long term but for now I am happy with this and the butterflies having a field day in my tummy - well that is nice too :)
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Remembrance Day 2007 - Lest we forget
I thought of Q today, as it is his birthday. I remembered verbatum the phone message I left him last year, the excitement in my voice and the teasing tone. And I close that part of my mind once again and relegate him to memories that are seldom visited by choice.
As I write this I am listening to School Girl Mermaid and her little friend play school together, we have just returned from the Remembrance Day service where School Girl M sang in the choir.
When they sang Amazing Grace, I cried - as always I am such a sook...lol. She looked so beautiful though, little blond haired blue eyed child so proudly singing and sneaking the occasional smile over at where myself and H were sitting.
Having served in the military I take such pride in my child being part of these ceremonies, to see the appreciation on the returned soldiers faces as they sing, rows of little cherub faces, all so serious.
It's nearly summer here now, the days are long and the nights balmy...and it's only six or so weeks until we will be lying on a beach in the Land of Holidays. My best friend back home is pregnant with her third child, due the end of December (three under three) and my other best friend back there has just given birth to her second child (two under seventeen months). I am SO grateful to only have one child and things like a two week holiday is about as easy as it gets - throw some clothes in a bag, jump on a plane and simply enjoy yourself - loving it!
Some not so great things have been happening with Holiday Girl this week. Since I was diagnosed, I have been on at her to have a breast examination done. On Thursday she finally went to the doctor and they found several lumps and have ordered an urgent ultrasound.
Holiday Girl is prone to nervousness and panic attacks so it is easy to imagine what she is going through right now. The earliest she can get in for the ultrasound is Tuesday morning so she has been a nervous wreck all weekend. I feel so acutely for what she is going through right now.
Today I close my eyes and think of the sacrifices that people decades before us have made so we may live the lives we do today, lives of freedom with choices that are ours to make.
I think of how lucky we are to live in a country where, like Holiday Girl, if we are sick we can go to a hospital and not have to worry about the cost of medical treatment. Where we have free education for our children and the cost of living is just average and wages are higher than in so many comparable countries.
I rest in the knowledge that my child will grow up in a democratic country where she will be treated as a equal irrespective of her gender, she will have the opportunity to go to university if she chooses to and her role in society will not be predetermined by anyone else.
I consider myself lucky to live here, lucky to be the grandchild of a returned serviceman who helped create this world that myself and my daughter shall grow up in and because of the sacrifices these men and women made, our lives shall never be touched by the atrocities of war in the same way that their lives were.
Across the ocean today I send a thank you to my grandparents, for their love and their sacrifices.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Meeting K...
So what exactly does one wear when meeting a fellow blogger for the very first time ever?
After much angst and changing of one's mind (repeatedly) I ended up wearing a black outfit with pink Converse boots. Probably not quite me but at least I had warm feet...and as it was somewhat wet and miserable, then warm feet were appreciated!
Is it bizarre reading about me meeting you K? Lol...
The scene was a 'moody' cafe where we dissected the world as we know it, I asked her advice on so very many matters and found her to be deliciously knowledgeable to talk to. But to meet someone in the flesh - how exciting!
I smiled the entire car ride home :)
And for the record there was no showing of breasts - only discussion about them (!) The cafe wasn't really conducive to stripping off layers of clothes and revealing bruised breasts - although you never know...sometimes strange actions lead to even strange occurrences...it may have lead to the discovery that we were in fact dining in a swingers cafe and the baring of naked bodies was the code action for 'let the swinging begin'.
Hmmmm...might have to go back there on another occasion and test the theory.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Cafe Boy
So for a break from the overwhelmingness of breasts, a theme that seems to have been dominating my life as of late...lol.
Post surgery I haven't been able to use my fabulous red espresso machine as I can't move my arms enough to twist the grinder part in...so I had to find myself a cafe to satisfy the insane coffee cravings.
That is where Cafe-Down-The Road comes into the scene...been going there for a couple of weeks now...cute guy behind the counter...didn't really pay too much attention to him...reason being? I vaguely know the owner of the cafe through work and he is gay...and by way of wild assumption I thought this guy was his partner.
Come Sunday morning...I'm on my way to a kids birthday party, stop in to grab a takeaway coffee and he slips me his phone number. I have no idea what the look on my face must have been like...after all, I THOUGHT HE WAS GAY...lol.
Cut to my daily phone call to Holiday Girl that night...she is full of questions...what does he look like... how old is he...do you think you'll go out with him?
My response?
I have no idea because I thought he was gay...I couldn't even tell her what he really looked like aside the fact he was cute...LOL.
So we caught up yesterday for lunch...had a great time...same sense of humour (re: sarcastic)...I had a great time.
Potential? Not sure, (as I later found out) he is forty, which is a lot older than me and New Person was that age and there were some marked generational differences.
I told him I was recovering from cancer and not looking for anything other than friendship...he said he was cool with that.
Watch this space :)
Saturday, October 27, 2007
More Photographs - NipplegateNew photographs and an exciting milestone in my recovery. Tonight I got to see my nipples properly for the very first time.
Poor little nipples were cut off and grafted back on higher up on my breasts, there was always a chance the grafting wouldn't work so in my mind I named it "Nipplegate". Yes. Highly original, but it kept me amused.
So I think my nipples are actually looking ok, the creases in them are from the bandages and will uncrease with time apparently.
I was worried about the shape of my breasts, they seem to be changing every day but I am only two and a half weeks into a two and a half month recovery period so I need to just have some patience.
Some days it is difficult though! I want to know what my body will look like, how dramatically it has actually changed and how so, what the scaring will be like.
I ended up in the emergency department last night after overdoing it. More internal bleeding in my breasts, no infections though which is the biggie so just trying to take it easier this weekend now.
I just want to be me again, patience never was one of my virtues unfortunately...lol.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
My Insurance Policy - 30th August 2007Hi,
My name is Mermaid Girl...I am a twenty nine year old single mother to a beautiful girl who is my world...and I am now a cancer survivor.
Welcome to the rest of my life.
Dated: 30th August 2007.
This is my prophecy...it is written and in six weeks or so I will be posting it.
Until then post...sit tight...because I will be back.
Postscript...and tonight I post this and it is all true. I saw the specialist today, there was some more internal bleeding again but she controlled that, drained it out and put me on more drugs. The tissue samples all came up clear with absolutely NO traces of cancer!
This recovery is a bit slower than they had hoped but the point is - I am recovering and I have a future without cancer.
Tonight I shall lay my head on my pillow and go to sleep with a smile on my face knowing that this is over, I am no longer a person living with cancer...tomorrow I shall wake up and be myself again...a changed person but stronger and so much more in love with life.
This is my new beginning...and how lucky I am to have even been given the chance.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Tagged...I don't usually do these but since the delighfully intriguing Rover asked me...how could a girl say no?
1. Link to your tagger and post rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random and some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of post and list their names.
4. Let them know they were tagged by a comment on their blog.
Random things about me...
1. Although I love what I do my income is frustratingly variable to the point of $6000 one month to $400 the next. Yes I am serious. More months on the upper end of the scale would be great.
2. School Girl M is named after a character in my favourite childhood book. She has grown up to look quite similar to that character now, it's slightly bizarre.
3. I have beautiful long fingernails that grow quickly and are very strong. I cut them very short every week because I learn piano. My friends lament over it...lol.
4. I get very emotionally attached to people quite quickly. It's really annoying.
5. I have a left hand, right hand obsession when I am using EFTPOS, I have to use fingers from both hands to press the buttons. It's usually quite awkward when I'm trying to hold my purse and car keys at the same time.
6. Last night I discovered shopping on Amazon because the exchange rate is so good right now. A monster has been unleashed. I bought all four Post Secret books in the first five minutes online then had to make myself turn the computer off and go to bed before I bought anything else.
7. I am currently addicted to Ecoya coffee scented candles in a tin...I have one sitting on my desk next to me when I work and I stop periodically and smell it. I was worried it was weird until my friends all started buying them and doing the same thing. Weirdness crisis averted at the eleventh hour.
I won't tag anyone but feel free to play and blame me :)
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Graphic Photo's At Bottom Of PostOn Wednesday morning I drive back to the town I was operated in (two hours from my home) to get my final surgery results.
Although the surgeon is pleased with the removal of the cancer, they took tissue samples from other places in my breasts to perform tests on to ensure there is no other cancer in the early stages.
So when I arrive back home on Wednesday afternoon I shall be publishing my Insurance Post that I wrote back in August...because by then it will all be true.
This is the final hurdle to throw myself over before I can be content that I am moving forward with my life and right now all I can think is "bring it on!"
I started my new contracts on Friday, a bit earlier than arranged bt I was going c-r-a-z-y at home. I am finding myself getting tired really quickly and needing Nanna naps during the afternoon to be able to keep going through the day.
I am also learning to accept help when it is offered, namely by my Mother in Law. she came to visit me a few days ago, brought flowers etc and was very nice. I have asked her to take School Girl M to piano for me on the day I get my results as I won't be back in time. She was so willing to help, I have hope this may be a turning point with her and I.
Below are my photographs taken at ten days post surgery...although the bruising looks almost the same my body is healing itself and I have a lot more mobility than I did even a few days ago.
Warning, this is not a pretty sight (!), but having cancer isn't pretty, it's reality and right now, how my body looks is my reality.
I am so grateful to even be here writing this :)
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Work
I got to leave the house this week for my 'Big Outing'...
You know your life is boring when the supermarket is an exciting proposition...LOL.
A friend picked me up and took me out to lunch at a local art gallery/cafe then we went for a gentle walk around the supermarket - oh the feeling of freedom to escape the four walls of my home.
I live in the suburbs and stir crazy doesn't begin to describe the oppression of not being able to drive anywhere or do anything.
My breasts are healing, the bruising is fading and they are a lot more tender as I ease off the painkillers. I am presently taking twenty seven tablets per day, pain relief, anti-inflammatory, anti-biotics, to name a few. I feel like a walking chemist.
I gave myself a fright yesterday, I was drying myself after a shower and my fingernail caught the edge of the strapping and pulled it. The bleeding was instantaneous and heavy, it quite literally pumped out in straight line. Very gross. I called the specialist in a panic but she was great, pointed out that after hemorraging so much what I classify as a lot of blood and what they do, were two different things.
Am trying to take things easier today now.
I will be SO glad to go back to work, now my head is clear and my mind is active I just need this little old body of mine to come to the party and we'll be laughing.
I got a phone call on Monday night to say I had won a contract I had been negotiating with a big new client and another call the next morning for a meeting with what might just be a lucrative client down the track a bit further.
It's all happening and the timing is good, it is providing me a good focus to hit the ground running with work when I start back next week.
And the quicker next week comes the better!
You know your life is boring when the supermarket is an exciting proposition...LOL.
A friend picked me up and took me out to lunch at a local art gallery/cafe then we went for a gentle walk around the supermarket - oh the feeling of freedom to escape the four walls of my home.
I live in the suburbs and stir crazy doesn't begin to describe the oppression of not being able to drive anywhere or do anything.
My breasts are healing, the bruising is fading and they are a lot more tender as I ease off the painkillers. I am presently taking twenty seven tablets per day, pain relief, anti-inflammatory, anti-biotics, to name a few. I feel like a walking chemist.
I gave myself a fright yesterday, I was drying myself after a shower and my fingernail caught the edge of the strapping and pulled it. The bleeding was instantaneous and heavy, it quite literally pumped out in straight line. Very gross. I called the specialist in a panic but she was great, pointed out that after hemorraging so much what I classify as a lot of blood and what they do, were two different things.
Am trying to take things easier today now.
I will be SO glad to go back to work, now my head is clear and my mind is active I just need this little old body of mine to come to the party and we'll be laughing.
I got a phone call on Monday night to say I had won a contract I had been negotiating with a big new client and another call the next morning for a meeting with what might just be a lucrative client down the track a bit further.
It's all happening and the timing is good, it is providing me a good focus to hit the ground running with work when I start back next week.
And the quicker next week comes the better!
Monday, October 15, 2007
Illusions...(Contains graphic photographs)
Walking past me in the street...you would never knows what lies beneath (graphic photographs following)...
Day Three post surgery
Day Five post surgery
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Thank You
So it's time to tell you all how the surgery went....
The surgeon is confident they got all the cancer, it was all in the ducts as they thought (DCIS) which meant it was contained and easy to remove, therefore I should not need chemo.
They did a reconstruction during the surgery, as I already had quite large breasts I could afford to lose some and still have enough to reconstruct without needing implants.
That would be about the only time in my life I have been grateful for having big breasts...lol.
In all honesty I really don't think I could have had more surgery, it has hit me harder than I imagined it would physically and I have found it quite traumatising. The feeling of being out of control was incredibly scary and being responsible for a five year old whilst feeling that way was very overwhelming.
My nipples were removed and grafted on higher up on my breasts, and right now I have breasts that would rival a strippers. They are rock solid, sit up under my chin and don't look like they belong to me.
But I am alive. I am here and I have a future without cancer on the horizon. And in a short month or two this will be behind me and I shall no longer feel like I am defined by the ugly shadow that is breast cancer.
Today I went online and bought some gifts from the Breast Cancer Fundraiser site. I am making up gift bags to give to friends who have showed me so much support with School Girl M throughout this week.
These people are amazing. One of them is a single Mum who struggled to bring up her two children on her own, whilst studying and working part time. She did not hesitate to take SGM for the better part of this week, having her day and night, doing the school homework, uniforms, choir practice etc.
Then there is Fabulous Friend who has been here this weekend for breakfast, lunch and dinner to feed SGM, do the washing and tidy the house and play taxi driver for music and swimming lessons, taking her to friend's houses so I can have a reprieve. All this whilst she works seven days a week.
And my beautiful Holiday Girl...who called me whilst I was on my way home from the hospital and simply said "I had a feeling you need me, I am coming over". And even when I protested and said I was fine, as soon as she walked through the door I more or less collapsed from exhaustion and she, who can not handle the mere sight of blood, cleaned me up, washed my blood stained clothes and then tucked me into bed.
My friends...god, how lucky I am.
And to everyone who has left me comments, sent me emails and offered a hand of friendship and support - from the bottom of my heart I thank you all.
You will never fully understand exactly how much comfort this has all brought to me.
So now it is Sunday and I am starting to feel human again, my bruising is technicolour, I have humbling photographs of my poor breasts...but this morning I got out of bed and decided this was the day when it all begins...all over again for me.
And it has.
And I am happy.
I believe things happen for a reason, I believe this is a chance to reassess and decide what direction I really want my life to be heading in. I am redefining now what really is important to me and why.
It's so true what is said...that life is a journey not a destination.
Is it normal to feel so jittery?
I feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack all the time, it is freaking me out considerably.
As soon as I heard the car pull into the drivewaylast night with School Girl M in it, the tears started to well up inside me and as soon as she burst through the front door I just sobbed. She was so cute, she scolded me for crying because it made her cry too...lol. So we both sat there and cried and smiled at each other happily.
God I missed her.
I am feeling slightly better today, the painkillers are very strong, they are knocking me around a lot. School Girl M has been very mother-hen like. Bringing me endless bottles of water, putting blankets on me, coming to check on me and bring me food. I am very impressed at how nuturing she can be...lol.
M, I keep thinking of you and how if you can get through this then I can, you really are my inspiration right now :)
Time for another rest...
Friday, October 12, 2007
HomeThis will be short, am very tired and so sore.
Came home yesterday, things got a bit scary during the night after surgery, I started internally hemorrhaging at 3am so I was rushed back to theatre. That's not unusual for me, it happened when I had School G M as well.
All good now though, just feel very detached and groggy and sick of the sight of blood...*wry smile*
Happy to be home and in my own bed.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
OUT OF SURGERYHi, my name is Evening and I am a friend of Mermaid Girl. She asked me to let you know when she was out of surgery and doing ok.
She sent this text out today.
Hi Everyone, out of surgery and it went really well. Home tomorrow! Thank you for all your support.
I wanted to ask you all to continue to keep Mermaid Girl in your thoughts and prayers. Her surgery is now over and her recovery will begin. Mermaid Girl has been so strong and had such a good attitude through this, I am just positive that any thoughtful messages you leave here for her will help her through the days ahead. I am a recent breast cancer survivor and I know that the caring and support I recieved from my blog friends helped me through a very scary time.
I am sure it will not be long before MG is back here updating us on her recovery herself. So come back soon and check on her.
Love and hugs to you Mermaid Girl.
xo
Evening
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Well it's 3pm Tuesday and this time tomorrow I will be in surgery.
I am still not nervous, just busy still. I had a car accident yesterday, was hit by a learner driver, unfortunately I was in a hire car as my car is being serviced. I was driving a beautiful expensive brand new car...lol. I am now sporting an impressively swollen bruised leg.
Now the arguments with the insurance company begin...urgh. I loathe dealing with insurance companies.
But now I have my fabulous little Mermaid mobile back (thanks K!) and after a week of driving ridiculously expensive hire cars (I had three different cars in total) I am very happy to have my baby back.
Tonight School Girl M goes off to her little friends house for two nights...very exciting to have a sleepover during the school week. I have been madly baking chocolate fudge cupcakes and making dinner for her to take with her. It helps distract me anyway.
New Person took me out to lunch today which was nice, he has been good lately, we have been getting on really well. He wants more though and is sitting back in silent hope waiting. There is nothing from my side, I just feel nothing but friendship towards him. He came with me to Holiday Girl's housewarming, she said he didn't take his eyes off me the entire night.
Sigh...
Well I will end this post here, there has been a lot going through my head...I have been thinking about Q a lot and that phase of my life. I am disappointed with how it ended with him, I still feel very hurt about being lied to for so many years but nothing can change the past and I am moving on....I am leaving you with this photograph of my breasts...lol...just cause I can!
Love you all and thank you for your support. Evening will post an update here for me after my surgery.
MG
Sunday, October 07, 2007
FacebookWell I'm sitting here writing this, sucking back Powerade (rehydrates) and relishing losing two kg's overnight.
A generous dose of food posioning/gastro will do that to you.
I came home from Holiday Girl's house at 2am and was sick more or less straight away. Lucky it didn't start on the car trip home since it's nearly an hours drive....lol.
I think it's the pre-op drugs that are making this a bit worse than it would have been.
But now I'm home, all snuggled up in my dresssing gown (over my business suit!), sitting down to do some work, I feel better. Thank god I work from home!
Three sleeps until the surgery now, Monday will be chaotic with work, and Tuesday probably will too, which means it will all go fast - good!
Is anyone else out there addicted to Facebook?
Monday, October 01, 2007
Californication...
"You're just an analogue stuck in a digital world aren't you?"
What a fabulous line...Californication, tonight's episode - love it! As for Duchovny...sigh...there is just something about him...
Life is still truckin along as per...no School Girl M this week, she has gone to the Dark Side for second half of the school holidays, as per the custody agreement. Despite the fact we were getting on each others nerves something wicked, Imiss her like crazy already. I'm sure you parents out there can relate...lol.
I have started my pre-surgery cocktail of drugs, they make me a bit jittery, that compounded with a lack of sleep makes for a somewhat strung Mermaid. I am oscillating from ridiculous amounts of nervous energy to lying on couch wallowing in Oprah.
I can't believe I just admitted to that...LOL.
Took the new fabulous iPod for a run at the gym today...it passed all my tests and it looked oh so cute clipped onto my yoga pants. *happy sigh*
I might have to HNT with it...my new best friend...my life is funny.
This is random typing tonight, I can't sleep, I feel blah with a sore tummy and have been thinking a lot about next week. It is only eight days away now...wow.
This weekend is Holiday Girl's house warming, in amongst the chaos of the last twelve months she built a house (not personally...builders actually hammered and nailed it...lol). It is a beautiful home, four bedrooms, three living areas and she has such stylish taste, it is immaculately decorated.
I practically have my own room there, I have been down there the past three weeks and next weekend post-surgery she is taking both School Girl M and I down there so she can look after the both of us for the weekend. Might have to get a Mermaid Girl plaque made up for the bedroom door... it's a shame she lives a forty five minute drive away from me, it makes dropping in kind of difficult.
This seems to be the week of catch-ups with everyone before I have surgery. I have dinners out four nights this week already and endless coffee dates...mmm coffee. I have changed my steadfast Gloria Jeans alliance over to Hudsons now. Pity you can only get it in the city (an hour away) or at the airport (over an hour away)...long way to go for coffee on a Sunday morning for brunch.
After tonight it will be:
Six sleeps until surgery
Twelve weeks until Christmas Day (and on a plane to the Land of Holidays!)
Thirteen weeks until I will be out of the surgical bra and can wear normal bras and clothes again
Thirteen weeks plus five and a half months until I am back in the Land of Holidays
Deep breath...time for another go at sleeping.
Good night...
Saturday, September 29, 2007
School Girl M: "Mummy? Why is it called an iPod when you don't use it on your eye?"
Hmmmm....she only asks the best questions.
Did I mention my amazing bargain of the month? I bought $14 flights (quite obviously on mega-sale) to the Land of Holidays for mine and School Girl M's birthdays next year. A usual trip, even on cheap fares would cost around $500 return - this one was $64 all inclusive.
Big Freakin Bargain!
Now it looks like it will turn into a bit of a family reunion with my extended family coming from overseas to join in the fun where collectively we will be celebrating the birthdays of My Fabulous Uncle, myself, School Girl M and my grandfather - what a party! Love a party....
I have been having the maddest fun with my new iPod...it is small...it is the perfect shade of red...it does tricks and tells stories...it does the washing up...oh hang on...sorry...but it is fabulous and I am deeply in love with it.
As Fabulous Friend put it...now I can make coffee at my chilli red espresso machine whilst wearing my new red shoes and be listening to my red iPod...what a statement!
Red is definately my new pink.
H is dating someone again, which means he is being nice to me so for that I am grateful. He has already told me the problem is she wants children and he doesn't want any more. I can see a rosy future for that relationship...lol.
Ten days until surgery...haven't been sleeping again....
Thursday, September 27, 2007
HNT
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Sleep...
It's Wednesday morning and I had thirteen hours sleep last night - coming on the back of almost two weeks of averaging four or so hours a night, I am pretty much feeling like a million dollars right now.
I was lying on my bed at five thirty last night talking to Holiday Girl on the phone as she was driving home from work, remarking on how tired I was, then bam, I was out for the count. Woke up at seven o'clock this morning - still on top of the bed, in my business suit with heels on (lol) and a whole heap of missed calls of my phone.
God I needed that.
So today is going to be a good day, not a whole heap happening, just piano lessons for School Girl M and myself, a wee bit of work and then some quality time with my baby girl :)
Delicious in its mundaness.
I ordered the new iPod shuffle from the Apple website. I really wanted the new red colour but you can't get them over my side of the world, but instead of settling for a second favourite colour (never!) I discovered it was actually cheaper to order it direct from the website and get it shipped from the US. How cool is that! So that should arrive tomorrow and I am ridiculously excited...lol.
Life is good...is good...is good :)
Mermaid Girl